Some guys try to let a lady know how they feel by presenting her with a bouquet of roses. It’s a fairly unoriginal, but still quite sweet, gesture of affection. But there must be a way to take that gift to the next level, right? Of course there is, and it obviously involves bacon. Introducing bacon roses! It’s exactly what it sounds like: bacon that has been twisted and manipulated to resemble roses. Who wouldn’t love to receive that gift? Unfortunately, we haven’t found a florist who actually sells these, but there are instructions on the web that self-starters with plenty of free time should find pretty easy. Maybe one of you reading this will be the first to start selling them. Come on, do it. Most new businesses fail anyways, so what have you got to lose?
9. Soap
It’s a tough world out there, and some of us work hard and get sweaty on the job. Even those of us who don’t start to stink after long enough. Unfortunately, because of prissy modern society’s prissy norms, this means we have to bathe every once in awhile. The quickest way to do this is via the shower using bar soap. There are varying scented soaps to choose from, and naturally one of them is bacon. While the soap itself isn’t made of bacon (amateurs), it has the smell of it, and by using it, you too will smell like bacon. And if that’s what you want to smell like (or more accurately, if that’s what the hot guys and girls want you to smell like), then go for it. We do have to complain about the website’s advertising though. One of its claims is that this soap not only smells like bacon, it looks like it too. Take a look at that picture above. Now picture fresh strips of bacon frying on the grill. Do the two of them look anything alike? Nope, didn’t think so. Also, get your hand out of your pants already, it’s just bacon.
8. Cologne
Everyone wants to smell their best, right? But one of God’s greatest practical jokes was to give us sweat glands that make us smell like garbage if we don’t do anything about it. And so we have soap, as we just mentioned. Some take it further however, because oftentimes soap alone doesn’t get the job done. They wear perfume or cologne, a fancy name for man perfume. Naturally, a company decided a great untapped market for cologne is guys who want to use it to smell like bacon. Of course, what would a vaguely foreign cologne (the o in bacon has a line above it, which is both nifty and sophisticated) be without a little pretension? Apparently, the smell is more spicy maple, with just the slightest bacon-y hint mixed in. Oh goody, a scented scavenger hunt.
7. Hamburger With 1,050 Pieces Of Bacon
In the past, we’ve dissected the many awful ways bacon is dominating foodstuffs. As it turns out, there were way more than we imagined. It’s pretty common to put a few pieces of bacon on a hamburger, right? Yeah, Japan has decided three to five strips of bacon is for babies, because their Burger King decided to offer customers a special option. Very special indeed; if you’ve got the right amount of Yen, you can add as much bacon as you want. Well, someone realized that BK never imposed a limit, and so they ordered a burger with 1,050 strips of bacon. Added all up, it cost him 7,000 Yen, or about 87 bucks. Sadly, those pigs died in vain, as the customer tried and failed to eat it.
6. Weave Taco
Taco Bell went crazy recently, by coming out with a taco shell that tastes like Doritos. Muy loco, but also muy profitable, so ultimately muy inteligente. But that’s nothing compared to what some loyal bacon fan did. If you’ve seen the epicmealtime series on Youtube, then perhaps you’ve seen the bacon weave technique. Well, someone took that and weaved a taco shell together, creating a bacon weave taco. It ends up looking like kind of a quilt on the outside, but it tastes like bacon, as you might expect. Admittedly, this isn’t really so weird like the other entries, just kinda pointless. Delicious, but pointless.5. Toothcare
OK, that’s enough food for now. After you’ve eaten your giant bacon pile burger and washed it down with your bacon weave taco, you might use a toothpick, brush your teeth, eat a mint, or a bevy of other things your dentist lectures you about doing every day like he wants you to develop OCD or something. Luckily for you, there are now bacon-flavored toothpicks, toothpaste, and mints. Because the very best way to cleanse your mouth of the smell of grease, is to put more stuff in it that smells like grease. And talk about counter-productive; you’re not supposed to swallow this stuff, but if you’re this far down the Bacon Trail, you’ll absolutely want to. Don’t; the hospital will not take pity on you.
4. Lip Balm
Everybody hates chapped lips, right? But most chapsticks are annoyingly tasteless. Who wants to rub cream on their lips if there isn’t any flavor? Only Nazis, Communists, and Mets fans, that’s who. Luckily, there is a solution: bacon-flavored lip balm, because of course it exists. Now, this product can be as dangerous as all the toothcare stuff above, so we’re warning you now: do not bite your lips. As much as you may be tempted you, don’t do it. They’re the only lips you got. Instead, we recommend you get some regular old strips of bacon to chew on while the balm flavor is still there. True, you may have to eat a lot more bacon than you would otherwise. On the other hand, we’re welcome.
3. Coffin
OK, this one isn’t actually made out of bacon. Science hasn’t yet learned the effect of wrapping a corpse in bacon, because they’re too lazy changing the world and stuff to focus on what’s truly important. However, if your love of bacon is truly a matter of life and death, maybe consider being buried in a bacon-themed coffin. Themed coffins are a burgeoning industry, and bacon seems like a good way to go. Is it as cool as the Star Trek coffin, or maybe the Kiss Koffin? Well, that depends on where your priorities lie. As the company who sells it says, this product is only for those who love bacon to death. If that’s you, then go crazy.
2. Air
Does the oxygen you breathe taste a little bit too, well, airy? Does it lack flavor? Well, pork to the rescue again, as you can actually suck bacon-flavored air out of an oxygen inhaler. That way, you get the life-sustaining goodness of pure oxygen, with a lovely bacon scent that you could only previously get by actually cooking bacon, which sadly takes effort. No, it’s far easier, and therefore better, to just breathe in the bacon. At least you could, until the product went out of stock. Maybe Planet Spaceball bought up all their inventory. Fret not though, as you can still put your name on the waiting list, and get some when they make more. There’s no word on when that’ll happen though, so don’t hold your breath
1. Lube
Well, we’re done. Humanity has peaked. We have reached the ultimate expression of one’s love for bacon. As it turns out, George Costanza had it right all along: why not combine lovemaking and love of food? And so begets bacon lube, which gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “porking.” It’s so ridiculous that it sounds like an elaborate hoax, or an April Fool’s Joke. Well, that’s probably because it was, in the beginning at least. A company put up an ad for Bacon Lube on April 1st as a joke, never intending for it to be a real product. But people emailed them so many times requesting it, that they began to actually make and sell the product stuff. We’ll let you draw your own conclusions about what this means for society. We’ll also let you try it out and let us know whether or not it works. Don’t worry; we trust you.
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